I start to think that it’s no longer appropriate to say that I am an easy-going person. I don’t see myself as somebody that will take things easily, face problems then say “It’s fine, life’s good still”, or even to just sticking to my recent stuffs I’m doing while seeing something isn’t right.

*

I am recently is in a very good mood to be so upset and to get mad upon certain persons (still, not everyone). I can feel anger has been in me for last two days and it feels not good at all to realize that it’s freaking difficult to make that-friendly-curve with your lips. How could I say I’m an easy-going person when those things keep sticking in my head, like something I’m urged to solve?

I have been disappointed by several persons these days. No, before you start to think that I expect too much from people around, you should first learn to imagine how things are seen from my point of view.

The first one happened these days, related to something I never said I agreed to work for. As I try to deal with the responsibility, I let my self give some efforts to let this thing finished well. . I just don’t get it why people never seem to try to see that they might have been prioritized by somebody else, when the unchosen options actually could just be something she/he has been wanted for the entire life. Worse, they don’t even try to understand that what’s being their priority are never be the same as the others’. And I just don’t want to wonder if they ever care or not whether I have any other goal (the real goal I have been planning) to accomplish or not. Enough talking about this. I am thinking of resignment right after this project is finished.
I just simply miss doing stuffs. Real stuffs. For real people to be helped. For real goal we really work for. For real problem we try to solve. Ah.

The yesterday's anger hasn't left yet. It's right there, inside of me, sued me this morning to keep being so skeptical of things. I don't wanna be driven by anyone else anymore. Who told you a calf to be?, said Joan Baez in her Donna Donna song.

But today, in Entrepreneurship class, the anger got much worse. 

It is the subject that I had predicted would suck. Okay, I predict it would be something I couldn’t fit in, so it would be something sucks.

I thought I was completely right, but until in one meeting, I started to think that the lecturer actually was only trying to bring the image of the reality out there. It wasn't that bad. It was something I couldn’t easily accept, but I told myself that there would be no ‘later’ to learn to be more realistic. So I try to follow his rule, how to 'understand the reality'.

But what happened today can't help me to make up my mind set.

The lecturer asked the class to be divided into two groups, each consist of 18. 2 from each group would be the judges, and they were automatically free from the duty of doing assignment for upcoming meeting. No 'fair' way of deciding which should be the judges. No clear parameter. No fair selection. No even complete team members participated to the short and rather funny selection. I had no interest for the stuff.

The rest 16 students were asked to arrange the blue ocean strategy to run an imaginary internet-cafe business, and after the presentation of each strategy, we are asked to "attack" each other. You know, rebutting the other's strategy. The judges would decide which group should win and got the privilege to be free from assignment.

The debate went too disturbing for me. The yesterday's anger I have in me seemed has been disturbed; and I couldn't deal with the wrath inside.

I could just write down how the debate was going. The debate which was full of assumption and speculation, and also ridiculous rebuttal towards the other group's assumptions. The judges (I hate using 'judges' word since they are not. Tell me what 'judges' actually mean, go find whether they fulfill the requirement or not, and when the answer is yes, I'll use the 'judges' word. No offense. Simply doing one of ways i always do to decide whether one thing is acceptable or not.)

At the end of the class, as the judges said that my group's goal wasn't specific (the internet-cafe for online games & browsing with modest printing as additional facility), they gave the winning to the other group as they were specific by determining the business to be only for online games. One of those four students (not likely to use 'judges' word, remember?) said "It would not be comfortable. PC's for games, PC's for printing, PC's for browsing. It would be crowded and people would be no longer interested to use your internet-cafe."

I couldn't hold my self to not speak up, mostly in high-tone, "By what reason you assume that our internet-cafe would not be comfortable?" Like, we won't be so stupid and stubborn by fitting 60 computers in 3 x 3 m room! And for patience's sake, what's so wrong of making a strategy of being complete? Specifying the business itself (specifying the business, not the strategy. Highlight the word.) doesn't even automatically success you.

And that guy just made that face-expression, looking at my lecturer as his eyes said "Sir, see?" and the winning group (I start hating to use 'winning' word also) made that noise right after I finished talking. The annoying one.

Then all I can remember that I had in my head was angry yells about what happened yesterday (the work I dislike, but forced to finished, for the goal I still could rationally understand) and capitalist-minded friends and things which are totally getting on my wick, so freaking badly.

I don't mind it to finish the assignment. It's good to get something you can practice the subject with.

What's getting on my nerve is the decisions which had been made during the class. No acceptable things to not be complained. None of them. No, not to be complained. But to be justified.

I don't know how tired I have been by keep saying that speculation, prejudice, assumptions are only for short-minded people who are too lazy to not be bounded by their ego?

*

One or two of my group members, when the class really ended, said, "Calm down. You did good."

"Did good rebuttals" was not my purpose of arguing my classmate's explanation of not winning my group. I just want to hear any justification for any kind of those unacceptable decision made in the class this morning and also last meeting (which I tried not to mind too much).

I wanted to come to the lecturer to find the answer but I don't think it's really that necessary. Perhaps he would only tell "C'mon, it's only an assignment. Doing assignment is good for you" which has nothing to do with my anger.

He ended the class by saying,

"Yea, life is unfair. There will be more games in next meetings. More chances to win the privilege. Just enjoy the games."

I start to tell myself that if this really is a lesson of reality, I don't think I am ready to be realistic. Noticing that things are unfair and you just go walk forward, glorifying your winning which is based on absurd-parameter, leaving the ones who don't get the chance to forever left-behind, beating your competitor without your free-will but beast-instinct.. I don't think I want to be an entrepreneur (as it is defined based on what I get from the lectures)

*

People ever asked me what I wanted to do in my future. I told them I wanted to be a kid-illustrator, a graphic-designer, get my designs bring something good to people, to be a writer, get my books published. But what I deeply want wasn't told to everyone. There were only certain persons whom I told, and so far, there were only 2 persons who accept it. Not even my mom.

I simply want to work for people. For those whom people who 'win' the world forget, for those whom those 'winning' people beat up even when they're too bothered to try to hardly survive and never know that they were ever joined the cliche competition.

Tell me I am too idealistic. Forget about Soe Hok Gie or Munir or Gus Dur or Marsinah or anyone that could affect your mindset about what I want to do.

But these days I start to think that idealism sometimes can really bring you to utopia and be your opium. Bad.

And I remembered the noise the other group made after my question of justification. That was the sound of people who think fighting for what's being our right is a wrong thing to be done. What happened today is a simple thing. It didn't kill anyone. It didn't drop-out anyone from school. It didn't break somebody's future. It just irritated the sensibility of the whole class to not get used to understand that it is our right to get what we deserve, to question thing which is determined with no clear justification, even in the simple one.
Because when you get used to those simple things, you will be so immune of big things that you'll assume is nothing.
Poor.

I can now feel the anxiety SHG had while saying, "I'm not an idealist anymore. I'm now a bitter realist."